Okies... feel free to ignore this; it wouldn't hurt my feelings. Right now, I'm just venting. I'm so mad.
My time at youth group could've been a lot better. But I'm convinced I had this coming, anyway...
Our youth group begins around 6:30 now, which is a step up from the original 7:00 start time. That fact is where ALL the trouble began...
I wanted my grandparents to take me at 6 sharp, but they claimed that it was too early for them to get ready. I, naturally, got angry and seriously considered not going. In fact, minutes before I had to go, I had my mind set on not going, but my mom yelling at me... it was too much for me to take, so I went.
For the first few minutes, I was completely miserable. Somehow, I knew I was gonna regret coming in the first place. And in the long run, I did. But more about that later.
The only highlight of tonight's session was when Rusty noticed me when I finally came in (after a couple minutes of awkward loneliness), and asked me what was wrong. The trigger was pulled; I started tearing up again.
Rusty, after a couple seconds, led me back outside, and he tried to get something out of me... which never works with me. Then, the best part... all this pent-up emotion actually wrung out Rusty's sensitive side (which I had only seen once before; when I learned that my friend Sara had died), and I seized the opportunity to get a nice, long hug with that mate... that's all I really wanted. There!! I said it! That's one for the history books. I'm never saying that again, so savor the moment.
And after our prayer time, it went downhill from there... I was left feeling like I wasn't an asset to the group... which is not unusual at all. But that's my own fault... old habits die hard. Old habits of being shy, reserved, prefering to be in a secluded spot with something to keep me distracted... yeah.
And do they do anything? No. They barely awknowledge that I exist.
Which is why I'm on the internet so often. I have friends here that value me. I don't feel like an awkward fool (though I do think I'm turning into a jerk...), I'm not pushed away and ignored. Very thankful to have my internet friends... they actually have a little something called EMPATHY and SYMPATHY. It does good things to the outcast. People tend to think that outcasts don't need sympathy and empathy. THEY DO.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of my youth group... but more importantly, I'm sick and tired of myself... for not doing anything about it.
End Rant.
3 comments:
:(
In many ways, I know what you mean. I've always been really shy and people seem more than happy to ignore me.
I'll be praying for you!
Hey, Bluey!
I felt exactly the same way at our church when I switched to youth group.
I had friends there but they couldnt come on wednesdays.
everyone else has their own little circles of people.
I usually ended up standing somewhere alone not singing with everyone else, then going to the small groups and have the girls my age say oh hi i love ur shirt and then go back to the main room and almost cry because nobody likes me.
I'm just like an old chair to them.
Temporary...not worth paying attention to...
Sigh...
Once I had a good time because there was a guy from Russia that came.
But then I went and said Privyet and he said oh, you speak russian, I say yeah. Then he says something really fast and I'm like what??
That was long and ranty.
/rant
Don't matter. I like how you relate. :)
I think my time then is shown by this ominous-looking sky I'm staring at right now... I can only describe it this way:
O.O and/or @.@
It's so dark. It's not usually this dark at this time...
Thunderstorm ahoyyyyyyy!
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